Dissociation During Parenting
Experienced advice on navigating C-PTSD while parenting
Parenting Through Trauma: Using Schedules to Navigate Triggers and Dissociation
Welcome! Today, we’re discussing the experiences many of us who’ve endured childhood trauma encounter when parenting. Parenting is an act of love, but it’s also a job—and for me personally, it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. The impact of childhood trauma, resulting in complex PTSD (CPTSD), made it even more difficult. Over time, I’ve sought out healing modalities to help me leave the past in the past and bring my whole self into the present, especially as a parent. One of the most effective tools I’ve found is mindfulness.
The Beginning of My Journey
When I first started my parenting journey, I was present for about five minutes or less during a 24-hour period. I was a loving, functioning, but dissociated person. I didn’t trust or even like myself, and while I understood this cognitively, I didn’t know how to heal.
Experiencing trauma can cause the brain and body to separate, and for good reason. When our most vulnerable parts are exposed to severe trauma, our bodies shield us by dissociating—leaving behind only a shell of ourselves to endure the pain. In many cases, staying fully present during trauma would have been unbearable, even life-threatening, so our brilliant minds learned to separate to survive. The process of bringing ourselves back together, however, is the challenge. I’ve been in therapy for over 30 years, and I finally feel like I have a handle on it.
Dissociation in Parenting
Dissociating while parenting may sound like a recipe for disaster, but many readers will know that just as there can be functioning addicts, there can also be functioning dissociated people. These individuals—myself included—still bring ability, intelligence, light, and love into the world. Dissociation doesn't mean we've left behind everything good about ourselves. Even in the shell, there is goodness, intelligence, and ability.
I believe that shells often get an unfair reputation. To me, a shell is a protective coating, safeguarding anything too tender inside. Without a shell, many living things wouldn’t survive. It’s important to destigmatize dissociation because it’s a powerful tool that allows us to survive moments when we might have otherwise been overwhelmed. Dissociation doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you a human being who is designed to preserve life. The fact that you’re here, alive, and working on healing is nothing short of glorious.
Healing While Parenting
Parenting requires us to protect our children, offer them love, and create a sense of stability. Children thrive on routines, predictable behaviors, and a safe environment. If you’re parenting while healing from trauma, schedules can be an incredibly powerful tool—especially if dissociation is still a part of your reality.
For me, creating a daily schedule helped tremendously when I wasn’t sure how to integrate myself fully or when I was still dissociated. I became a parent not only out of love but also as a way to distract myself from my inner world, which still felt too scary to explore. While parenting is a beautiful distraction, it’s also an intense reminder of our own vulnerability.
Triggers and Emotional Overwhelm
Parenting can stir up intense emotions. Seeing our children’s vulnerability reminds us of how vulnerable we were as children. This often brings up unresolved pain, like the belief that we weren’t protected or loved as we should have been. It can reignite feelings of worthlessness, as though the adults in our lives knew something about us that justified their harmful actions. But let me tell you as a healer: that is not true.
Harmful actions by caregivers or others are a reflection of their unhealed wounds, not a reflection of your worth. You came into this world as pure and whole as your child—beautiful, golden, and deserving of protection. Healing that false belief, that somehow we deserved the mistreatment, is one of the deepest and most important parts of our journey.
The Power of Schedules in Parenting Through Trauma
Schedules have been one of the most effective tools in my healing journey, especially when dissociation is present. While the goal is to be fully present with our children, it’s important to recognize that even the healthiest person isn’t present 100% of the time. We aim for progress, not perfection—striving to be present more often, to act from the present moment rather than the past.
When my first child was born in 2010, I found the experience both joyful and overwhelming. Parenting was isolating at times, and the days felt endless. As a way to cope, I created a schedule for every day. I would wake up before my child and write down a plan for the morning, hour by hour—even including small reminders like “smile at the baby” or “look into her eyes.” This structure helped me stay grounded and present when I might otherwise have floated through the day in a dissociated state.
A Glimpse Into My Schedule
Here’s an example of a morning schedule I used during those early years (she was a very early riser those first, early years : )
3:30 – 3:45 AM: Write down the schedule for the day.
3:45 – 4:00 AM: Take a moment for myself—brush my teeth, wash my face.
4:00 – 4:30 AM: Change the baby’s diaper, nurse, and make a note to smile, chat with her and just bask in loving her.
4:30 – 5:30 AM: Playtime—read books, engage with her, be fully present.
5:30 – 6:30 AM: Diaper change, feed the dog, make myself breakfast.
This schedule helped me meaningfully connect with my daughter’s daily tasks, even when I was struggling internally. It kept me grounded in the tasks of the day and gave me a sense of control when I felt like everything else was slipping away.
Conclusion: A Journey, Not a Destination
Parenting through trauma is an ongoing journey. Healing isn’t linear—it’s full of ups and downs, circling back to old wounds and moving forward at our own pace. If you’re a parent who is healing from trauma, I encourage you to explore the use of schedules as a tool for staying present and creating a stable environment for your children.
Remember, you are healing. Whether your journey is moving quickly or feels like it’s stalled, every step forward counts. If you need additional resources or support, I encourage you to visit my website for free tools and professional recommendations.